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Sunday, October 17th, 2004
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if you haven't figured it out yet, i am steve (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) oh_no_disaster_). i dont update anymore. maybe i will later. i don't know why i felt the need to type any of this out.
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Comments: Read 18 or Add Your Own.
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It's as if im being suffocated by large blocks of ice. The bottoms of my feet, my back, my face, my thighs - I press at the ice. Each effort succeeds in postponing suffocation by establishing a pain that suffocation cannot contain. The pain hems and haws in suffocation, and joyful is the silence of its disappearing crest. I wish I had bee born without limbs.
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Comments: Read 10 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 1:40 pm. |
| Mood: |  jealous. | | Music: | Faust. |
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Demorol today, and lots of coffe. I feel good. The way a log in a fire sometimes looks like it must feel good - like it's gotten once and for all past its resistance to the force that means to make it submit to its own physical fact. Like it's learned how to enjoy the clean deep hate for which alll tending struggles. Like it's learned that there is a best way to go out.
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, April 15th, 2004
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| Time: | 8:18 pm. |
| Mood: |  apathetic. | | Music: | Air "Alpha Beta Gaga". |
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It is important to be no one. To be someone-- isn't that like being one of those candles that's shaped like a lion, or an alter boy? For a candle, how strange it is to worry over keeping a distinct shape? I see so many of these worriers -- blind twisted forms melting under their tiny flames. My flame is huge; at the tedious party of Relative Difference, no one wants to sit near me.
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Comments: Read 16 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, April 14th, 2004
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| Time: | 11:23 pm. |
| Mood: |  uncomfortable. | | Music: | Frank Black and the Catholics. |
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There is the question of who I really am, the tiger or the trainer. Am I this caged pulse, this pacing strenght and silence, or do I stand around it, calming it, endlessly talking, singing, making whatever noise I can to bring it closer to sleep? Clearly I am the trainer. But there are moments when I put myself to sleep. and then only the tiger is, and there is nothing to be afraid of.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 9:40 pm. |
| Mood: |  tired. | | Music: | At the Gates " Red in the Sky Is Ours/The Season to Come". |
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Today there was a dog in the road. He just stood there looking at oncoming cars. I thought he might bark, but no. He just looked. I could imagine the irritated drivers saying, "what is he doing?" He was just looking. I felt such a commradery. Myself and this dog, standing our ground in the midst of a brutal foreign routine, unimpressed with it, unwilling to cower before its fast disappearing machines.
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Comments: Read 13 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 12:20 pm. |
| Mood: |  aggravated. | | Music: | panthers.. |
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My Life is not a story. I'd like to apologize for that. I know what a nuisance it is for you. I've tried to make my life into a story -you know I have- but everytime I've been returned to the heart of the city in chains. I accept this as the fated role I am to play. I wait here, in chains, for you to pass by. For you to look out of the story and into me, into the way I', bound. unsheltered, guilty of nothing.
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Comments: Read 28 or Add Your Own.
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rushed.